Hard to Say No?

 

Have you ever encountered a situation where someone expects something from you, but you don't want to do it, and yet you find yourself unable to say no? You agree to do something you really don't want to, and later, you feel stressed out. This could involve your parents, classmates, friends, or even your boss. Afterward, you reflect on the situation and regret not expressing your true feelings.

Deep down, this difficulty stems from an inability to show your authentic self, leading to stress, anxiety, and people-pleasing behavior. Hiding the real you often begins when your mother or father disregards your emotions as you try to express something—be it crying relentlessly, throwing tantrums, or simply wanting to eat fruits, only to have your feelings unacknowledged. Even if the other person had good intentions, a child's brain may perceive it differently. In other words, it's also a form of rejection.

A newborn can also sense rejection or abandonment. For example, a mother might not give her child milk because the doctor advised feeding every four hours. While the mother follows the doctor's instructions (scientific or not), the toddler's brain perceives it differently. He can sense the mother's presence and express his urge, but not receiving it can instill a sense of abandonment, even in a month-old child. Here, the process of not showing your authentic self begins, because expressing your needs doesn't guarantee fulfillment, no matter how valid they are to you. Later in life, this manifests as difficulty in saying no.

With abandonment, you not only experience stress and anxiety but also begin to resent the other person. You might start to avoid them or become submissive, and gradually, you realize that people start to take advantage of you unintentionally. For example, your family might sometimes pressure you, and you just can't express how you feel. You bottle it up, and the resentment surfaces in different forms.

So, what can you do about it?

Here's a small exercise you can do weekly—a simple four-step formula to help you recognize and practice saying no. Start by doing this weekly, then increase the frequency of your self-analysis. Reflect on the emotions you experienced when considering saying no and after you were unable to do so—these could include stress, anxiety, discomfort, anger, etc. This awareness helps you understand the physical signs your body exhibits, aiding in identifying what makes it difficult to set boundaries.

1. What do you notice in your body? – This grounds you in the present and helps you recognize the physical signs of stress, anxiety, or discomfort.
2. What story do you tell yourself to justify your action? – This uncovers the internal struggle you experience, such as thoughts like "If I say no, they will be disappointed" or "I'm not a good person if I say no."
3. What is the actual truth? – This helps differentiate between reality and perception. The reality might be: "It's okay to care about myself" or simply "I don't know how to do it."

Take a notebook and write about the previous week. Document how you felt and what conclusions you reached. Eventually, you'll become more aware of these situations and be able to take action in real-time.

If you think you need a worksheet, let me know.